Cross Your Fingers With Me

I got sick for 2 days last week. Overfatigue and heartaches strikes me. I lost my defenses, no doubt.. it's really a knock out.

I've been depressed for the past years, insanely mad with life for the past few month. I guess, I live so much in the past and I forget that there's a brighther tomorrow even if he's gone. Before I got sick, I dreamt so much about flying. My bestfriend's interpretation about flying in dreams is that the dreamer wants to escape. Escape from what? My business is doin' good, I have a wonderful family. So what's the reason for me to 'escape'? I've been evaluating myself, my feelings for someone, and then I realized that I didn't succeed to forget him. My stuggles begins (again), I thought I'm done with the Bullit thing and I wonder what is wrong again.. I realized how can someone move on when she's trying to run away from it.

A weeks before I got sick, I called him on the phone... I don't know what happen, I just found myself telling him that I'm still madly inlove with him BUT I have no intentions for a reconciliation. I just want to let him know my feelings.. and what life would be if I chosed Chris better than him. I let him know my frustrations and the pain I've gone through of losing him. He was my world, my happiness, my everything. How could he left me defenseless from pain and loneliness. My soul was crying but not confused.

A week or so, I woke finding myself sleeping on a messy room... living on a dirty house. I keep on mumbling.. "Anong nangyari sayo Jo? Anong nangyari sa bahay? San ka nagpunta?" I decided for a general cleaning. There I saw our diaries, loveletters, those chocolate and roses boxes I kept. I recall that it is the reason why I am avoiding to clean the house for the past years. I can't help myself not to look at those again.. those things that I know will hurt and makes me cry. It took me 8 hours cleaning (5 hours for cleaning, and 3 hrs for reminiscing and crying)... duh.. as if I'm living on a big house. It's a messy house.. and I have a messy lovelife..
It's a very tiring day but I still managed myselt to go to the shop. (It's a punishment for me for not cleaning the house for decades!... just joking) Then I got sick a day after that.

Right at this moment, I don't feel depress anymore. I can't say that I have no feelings for Bullit but I think I'm starting to move on.
I want myself to be healed not by hatred nor having a relationship again.
I know it's not too late for me.. I'll keep my (hand and toe) fingers cross.