I wanna die

I and Bullit had a fight last night. I admit that I hurt him.. but it wasn't intentional.
Last night, I was talking to Chris on the phone.. we talked about Bullit.. and her wife na pakialamera. I was so lonely that time that's why I decided to meet him. I also have a problem on my pc, that's why I also want him to be here on my shop. My ex-technician didn't installed a microsoft office on my pc's, and Chris doesn't have a software of it until naalala ko si Bullit na meron non. I ask Chris if it's ok with him if we'll just dropby on Bullit's home to get the software. He says ok.. Kumbaga, balewala daw sa kanya yon kasi tapos na. I was thinking na ok din lang kay Bullit yon. So, we proceed to Bullit, texted him if it's ok if I'll borrow his microsoft office but I didn't tell him na I was with Chris.

When I got to Bullit's place.. si Chris ang driver that time coz masakit na yung wrist ko. Saka ko naisip na tawagan si Bullit, to tell him that I have a somebody with me. Nung maglo-load na ako for my fon, nagulat ako kasi nasa harap na namin siya. He was shocked.. napaatras siya and parang hindi nya alam kung anong gagawin nya when he see us. Para akong binuhusan ng tubig. Nautal ako para ipakilala silang dalawa sa isat-isa.. though they know each other through pictures. di ata maganda ang nangyari. He (Bullit) was rushing.. Nung pinaandar na ni Chris yung sasakyan.. gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na.. Puedeng iwan mo na lang ako dito. Gusto ko pa siyang makasama. I was crying on our way home... and I don't know why. I apologized to Chris, for crying like that. He told me na di man madali yung recovery ko.. pero matutuwa siya pag nakalagpas ako don.
When we got here.. inayos namin yung problema sa pc. Gusto ko sanang tumambay that night.. gusto kong uminom. I was still thinking about Bullit.. what he feels when he see us. We went to Manila with the boys (yung mga kasama ko dito sa shop).. had dinner at Pasig. I checked my celfone and got 2 messages from Bullit... at may misscall pa. I call him kung bakit.. he told me to text him when I got home. Hmmm... Parang iba ata ang atmosphere.
We talked on the phone when I got home. He's telling me how he feels.. He was upset with what happened and he feels na scheme ko daw yon. We were arguing at the phone 'til he demanded to see me. I went to his place around 3 am. We talked.. I cried.. apologized for what happened. I wasn't really expecting na mao-offend ko siya. He was devastated last night. He's not accepting my reasons.. so I told him "Ganto na lang.. isipin mo kung anong gusto mong isipin. Nasabi ko na lahat ng gusto kong sabihin, if I didn't convinced you. That's fine. Wala na akong magagawa don." He told me not to cry anymore coz he doesn't want to see me hurting. Kung ganon pala, bakit nya pa ako iniwan. He's my happiness. He's my life.
Excited daw siya na makita ako, last march pa kasi siya huling pumunta dito. Ang sakit lang nung sinasabi nya about casual sex. So, it was just a sex thing. Sobrang sakit. Bakit ganon siya? Bakit ganito ako?
I made a big scar daw.. kung big scar yung sa kanya.. ano yung ginawa nya sa buhay ko? My life has been devastated. I don't feel complete anymore.
I went home around 8 in the morning. Para namang ayaw na naman naming maghiwalay or feeling ko lang yon na ayoko umalis. I want to stay there. If only I could stop the time. I want to be with him forever. Ano ba to? nadadaig na naman ako ng puso ko. Dapat kalimutan ko na siya. I have to let go!
Nag siopao pa kami sa kowloon. When I was about to finish my food, he told me na parang sila na ulit nung nasa states. Nawalan na ako ng gana. Parang nawalan na ako ng ganang mabuhay.

I went home crying.. I open the shop. Wait for the customers to come.. Nung dumating na yung mga boys. I decided to sleep. Wala din naman akong magagawa sa mga nangyayari.

Jeff told me na bat di ko ipaglaban. Paano? sabihin ko sa kanya na mahal na mahal ko pa din siya... Na ayaw kong mawala siya sa buhay ko. Paano.. Ewan ko. Masyado ng pagpapakababa sa sarili ko yon. Kung mahal nya ako.. siya ang bumalik sa kin. Foolish pride!