Nagmeet kami last sunday ni Bullit. He invited me for dinner, since nung sat pa naman siya nagtetext, kaya pumayag na din ako. Actually, I really want to meet him coz I want to know something... Something that might set me free.. We had dinner at Wendy's, frosty lang yung inorder ko coz I had dinner with the boys. We meet at Libis, close na yung ibang establishment kaya nag-Wendy's na lang kami. He's talking with our common friend on the fon. He sounds happy, sabi nya sa fon ang taba-taba ko na daw... then he gave me the fon. One of our friends are going to states na daw, sabi ko sa friend namin na pasalubungan na lang ako ng papa.. Nag-comment si Bullit ng "Papa naman ako ah!". Dinedma ko lang. I feel insecure and asked him.. as in sobrang laki ko na talaga no? Sabi nya.. nagloloko lang daw siya. Konti lang.. Mahahabol pa ng exercise. Alam naman nya na ayaw ko ng payat na payat.. gusto ko yung malaman para di mag-sag ang balat ko.
At Wendy's-- While eating, syempre.. kwentuhan.. kamusta na sa haws nila, kamusta na sila kuya, and his pamangkin. He told me that I can come over his place anytime I want (lagi naman nyang sinasabi..) Sabi ko.. wag na muna, siguro kelangan ko munang magpalamig, muntik na naman kaming mag-argue about what I tell him. He asked me, why does it have to be like that.. when lover's cannot be friends after the relationship ended. I don't know how am I gonna react on it, I'm afraid that it may lead us to an argument. I ask him to change the topic coz for sure, we will just ruin our night.
*For the the past months, I've been thinking about the reasons why we can't be together.. why we can't be friends after our relationship ended. When the situation arises, lahat ng naisip ko.. was gone. I am afraid to let him know how I feel..*
80's yung background song namin kaya medyo naging light ang usapan. Sometimes, we laugh at the song coz it reminds us of our younger years. We reminisce on our childhood days. Minsan, kahit alam mo na kung ano yung kwento nya or ano yung nangyari non.. parang ok lang. Minsan nakakatuwang isipin na tong tao na to.. naging parte ng buhay mo.. kasama mo dating magbuo ng pangarap para sa kinabukasan nyo... sinaktan ka.. iniwan ka... eto ngayon sa harap mo. Kasama mo uling tumatawa... sinusubuan ka.. hinahagod ang buhok mo.
Sayang.. for those wasted time and opportunities. If I wasn't just too hasty. Pero pano na ko magiging matatag kung di nangyari sa min to.
I was feeling torn apart yesterday. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ramdam ko naman kasi na wala na yung kilig. Wala na din yung hinahanap-hanap ko siya. I was thinking last night na ba't ba ako magagalit pa sa kanya, mas lalo lang akong maghohold on sa past kung ganon.. Maybe, I should always think that I wasn't the victim.. that I should be happy coz nakayanan ko nung nawala siya.. na mas madaming opportunity nung wala na siya. I know I'm on the 2nd stage of my healing process. Parang napilay na kamay yan eh.. kahit naca-cast na, minsan nadudunggol kaya sumasakit ulit.
Maybe what happen yesterday is... I let myself grieve the loss and what happened on the relationship. It wasn't just the painful feeling but it also evokes the love that we shared... and that's maybe the reason why I am feeling fine now, because the love that I felt soothes and heals me.
I felt the gratitude for the good times that we shared... and forgive him and myself for the mistakes. Maybe, my heart heal itself.
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